The Gopher is not Your Friend!!!

By Mathew T 04/13/2014

Some people have this idea that gophers are cute, innocent, playful, and happy little creatures that want to frolic around in green spaces and live happily ever after. This is a lie! That is not what gophers do.

This is the gopher…

04132014Gophers are tiny little animals that are hell bent on destruction. They want to destroy everything that you have built…. ever. Your grass, your garden, your house, your wife, your family, your kids, your job, EVERYTHING!

The gopher is not your friend. He is not your furry little buddy. He is like having Hitler hanging out in your back yard. I mean really, are you gonna say… “hey Hitler, come over to my house for a beer”, or “man, Hitler, hope you can make it to my kid’s B-day party ’cause you’re such an awesome guy.” No… you would never say this… ever.

So I can only recommend reaching a certain understanding with the horrid little creature. You must destroy him before he destroys you. And the clock doesn’t have much time on it. The gopher will make everything great about your yard disappear faster than Obama can grab your paycheck and give it to someone else…. like the damn gopher!

Anyway, the point is, you must destroy him. Let me preface what I’m about to say with this… I am not a professional and the below statements are simply my opinions… and I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things… so if you try any of this… it’s at your own risk and not mine.

Alright, here is how you could make the little beast scram.

Method 1: This is the kind and gentle way. You go buy a sonic spike and put it in your yard near his hole. I did this and it actually worked and the gophers have been gone for over a year. You need to follow this up with a healthy dose of steer manure which you will shove down all his holes. The gopher will not like this. How would you like it if someone shoved a giant pile of stinky sh*t in your front door? Your neighbors may also not like this approach but they’ll only be mad at you for a couple days. People get over stuff faster than you think most of the time.

Method 2: This is where things get a little nasty. You get a pointy steel shovel, two gopher traps, some old food, a garden hose, and a bunch of gopher bombs (Home Depot or Lowes has them). First, shove the bombs in his stupid little house and torch them off. Then laugh boisterously in an evil type of way like “BWAHAHAHAHAHA!” Very good. Now, flood out his whole network of tunnels by slamming your hose as far into the tunnel as you can. As water starts shooting out at his other entrances (which will now become visible as the flood of water continues) you will take your shovel and keep putting dirt in the other entrances because if the bombs and gas didn’t kill the little guy, you want him to drown. After that’s all done and if you still don’t see a body, you must do the following step. Set the two gopher traps in his main tunnel with the old food. Come back the next morning and he should be dead. You need a body. If there’s no body, he’s still alive… guarantee.

Method 3: I have not tried this but in theory this could work. As I said above, this is at your own risk. If the hole isn’t near any structures or walls, disconnect the propane tank from your grill and hook up a hose to it… you’ll have to disengage the safety valve somehow. Now pipe a ton of propane into his hole. Then back up and torch it all off!

The gopher is now history. You should still search for his charred little remains just to give yourself closure about the whole situation and for some type of physical confirmation that he is really dead. This is important if you have OCD like me. Your yard and garden, and other stuff might be history too… but think of the message that you’ll be sending to the other gophers here. That’s the real value with this. All the other gophers will be shaking in their little paws… or they’ll be dead, but you know what? They won’t be putting any more tunnels in your back yard.

That’s right, you can thank me later.


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